So now we know how Victor Frankenstein felt. Sometimes you just lose control of your creations. In this case, the monster is Roman Wallachia. Not that he’s really a monster, more of a monster hunter. He was created for the book José Picada, P.I.: The Sound of Sirens. Beyond that one book, we had no intended use for him. Now Roman refuses to go away, claiming that he plans to become an “internet fame conductor,” whatever that means. To calm him down a little, we let him do a guest blog. The one condition was that, since it’s December, he had to write about how he typically spends the holidays. And now we all have to read it. We’re sorry. We are so, so sorry.
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Traditions of the Christmastime
By Roman the Monster Hunter
Greetings and many more greetings to all of those reading. It is to be my understanding that I am writing about the Christmas holiday seasons in my much beloved homeland, please let us call it Wallachia. To start, I will tell of the general celebrations and I will end with personal recollectings of my childhood.
In Wallachia, Christmas season begins very much earlier. It begins on 10 November, St. Andrew’s Day. This is the day for which hanging garlic and crosses by doors and windows is the customary custom. This is done, of course, to keep away evil spirits, including but not limited to geani, strigoi, and vampires. This night has the common name of Noaptea Lupului, with the common English name of Night of the Wolf. Why is this name, you might ask. The belief is that on this night, the wolf can speak to the human, but the human hearing this voice must die. So, you see, the vampire and the wolf are important in the traditions of my people, but they do not suffer the teen angst as they do in the Americanised films, nor do they be sparkly in the sun, or have allergies against wearing shirts.
After such excitement of Night of the Wolf, it is boring for a while. Then, on 20 December, there is the day of St. Ignatius’s Day, which is all the pig slaughtering. Then comes all the actual Christmas activity, which is also boring. Singing and presents and baking the pound cake and eating foods very extremely high in fat and fattiness. Then we come to the fun part. The first six days after Christmas have much to be interested in. In this time, night overcomes the day and the spirits of the dead once more come to Wallachia. This is because time and space and nature are being in a state of chaos because we are right before the start of the New Year. Then there is six more days where not much happens, just the customs and rituals to restore balance to the universe. And then we wait for the next St. Andrew’s Day to start all over again.
When I was a boy in my youth, St. Andrew’s Day was something to look forward to. Rubbing all windows and window frames with garlic was tiresome work, but that was only for beginning. Next came cleaning all the crossbows and silver crossbow bolts for the grandfather. When the sun might set, off we would go through woods, looking for evilness to destroy. We never did destroy any evilness on those walks through woods, but I enjoyed very much as a youth. Perhaps it helped to bring me to where I am today, one of the most skilled of all monster hunters in all of my homeland. And always on our walks through woods we wore the earmuffs. We did not want to hear the wolf’s voice and risk demise. Then, as I wrote before in early paragraph, it was boring. At least, until the time of chaos and pound cake.
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There you have it, everyone. Roman the Monster Hunter, our very own internet fame conductor. He informs us that he’d like to regularly “appraise various and sundry media recitals,” which we think means review television and movies. So we have that to look forward to. At least, once he finishes restoring the balance between order and chaos.